Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Where the fuck do I even start with this? This fucking movie is such a mess, a beautiful mess but a mess none the less. Hard Rock Zombies, directed by Krishna Shah and stars nobody really. Well Lisa Toothman was in a couple other things most notably Witchcraft 3 and if you watch this movie you'll realize that Lisa likes to dance, she likes to dance a lot and at the most random of times. Well lets pack a bong and get taken away to a magic world of zombies, werewolves, Nazis, inbreeding, dwarves, and so much more.

Okay we got Jessie, he fronts the band Silent Rage. The hard rock band Silent Rage is on tour and the next stop is good ole Grand Guignol. The locals their aren't too pleased to have the band performing, in fear of hard rock sorcery or some hill billy town bullshit. Jessie meets Cassie(and her eyebrows), she warns him that his band shouldn't come to town in fear something bad might happen to them and in just seconds he falls in love with Cassie. Seriously they meet and bam they're in love and it's a little creepy with Jessie being like 30 and Cassie being 14. So they say fuck that and make their way to good ole Grand Guignol. On there way they pick up Elsa hitch hiking and she ends up talking them into staying with her. Now shit just gets weird here. Elsa's family is very inbreed to say the lease and not only inbred, but Nazi inbred. I mean fuck Hitler makes an appearance and his wife is a damn werewolf. Some where in this mix of shit Jessie learns this song to raise the dead and some how has the means to record a full studio version. Jessie gives the tape to Cassie and tells her to play it if anything happens to him. Well sure shit something happens to him and his band. The inbred Nazi's kill the band, go figure. Cassie gets to rockin' the hot mix tape and the band rises from the dead to seek revenge on Elsa and her family.

This is a bad bad movie and it's great for people who love bad bad movies. The dialogue is shit, the acting is shit, it's got the cheesiest love song to Cassie, the locals are hilarious, lots of bad 80's dancing, it's just bad. I saw this movie a long time ago and it holds a special spot in my heart much like Sleepaway Camp, I saw it high on acid and I never saw it the same. Hard Rock Zombies will always be a movie I can get high and laugh my ass off at how bad it is. I highly recommend you check it.

CGW

Hellions (2015)

Hellions. Do you like Halloween night survival mixed with some demon love child? This might be the movie for you. Directed by Bruce McDonald, of such soon to be classics as Weirdos, and Pontypool. Starring Chloe Rose as Dora and that's about it. Oh Terminator 2 and (the worst seasons of) X- Files star Robert Patrick decided to show up for a bit. That's about it too, a bit.

Right out the gate I noticed something was off with the lighting. I don't know what it was, but it was weird. It's like they shot stuff at 10 o'clock at night during things that take place at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and vice versa. Not sure what they were going for, but it threw me off. Okay, well Dora finds out she pregnant early on in the film and doesn't know what to do. It's Halloween night and should she stay in or go out? None of that really matters cause she slowly figures out she's going to  have a demon child. Lets party!! There's other things too; she eats a lot of pickles, there's a lot of her sitting around, more pickles and more sitting around, there's plenty of creepy kids in masks being creepy. I mean hell at one point I think a tornado breaks out in the house.

Well I really thought this movie was going to be worse, but it wasn't. It was surprisingly good. I wish there was more gore, I always want more gore though. I must say I thought the sound was really good too. A+ on the mood dude. Thanks.

Secreto Matusita (2014)

Time to review The Secret of Evil, I mean Grave Encounters, I Mean Secreto Matusita, I mean 100 Ghost Street, I mean I could go on. Okay , but for real now it’s like all those other movies except dustier. I mean it’s really dusty. Secreto Mutusita or as Netflix likes to call it The Secret of Evil, which I don’t know why they changed it Secreto Mutasita is way more descriptive after you watch it. They must have been like “oh my god nobody will watch it if it doesn’t have an American name”. So anyways.

Secret Mutusita is a found footage film directed by Dorian Fenadez-Moris and starring Bruno Espejo, Lupita Mora, and Eduardo Ramos. Now my problem isn’t the acting, it’s not the directing, it’s the story and the whole sub-genre. It’s like every other found footage film lately. The set ups are all the same I just saw where it was going instantly, it was like I’d seen this movie before. You got interview exposition, haunting tale, trying to get a tv show or a college class, you’re gonna need a clairvoyant, you have stay the night, you’re going to be locked in or get locked in. You know? The basics. With this comes the part of the movie that I just love… that’s just 30 minutes of setting up cameras, and you wait, and wait, and wait some frickin more. For a little pay off. 

And I know I’m just nitpicking. I know found footage films are cheap ways to make a scary movie, and if you're a first time director it's a good way to get your foot in the door in hopes it may lead to bigger and better things. I must say for found footage they do it very well, and also they didn’t over due the jump scares. They built up some creepy moments. It was fun. I don’t see a lot of horror coming out of Peru, this was my first that I know of and it was fucking pretty good. Check it out.

cgw

The Mirror

The Mirror, horror documentary about these friends who get this haunted mirror or some shit and hang it up in hopes of some supernatural and guess what? They get some supernatural shit. They start filming and soon find out there buddy keeps sleep walking and doing weird shit. As you can guess it gets worse. I liked the idea of this haunted mirror story, it's not the best but it's pretty good if you like this documentary style. Check it out

Phantoms (1998) 31 days of horror

Phantoms is the bomb yo. Affleck and Liev kill it. Liev plays are complete asshole and he plays it well. I forgot how much I love this movie, it's been too long. You into shape shifting creatures that are here to destroy the world? But want you to document it. You'll love it. Check it out. Rose McGowan is in it and LEGEND Peter O'Toole is in it. Lots of good kills in this one.

31 days of horror. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Quick Review- Night of the Living Dead

Directed by George A Romero this horror classic always brings me back. It was great way to start my October off. It's not really super gory or anything but for the time this was great. I guess I never really noticed or I'm just really high, but Barbra really sucks. Is she any help at all in this situation? She just sits there the whole like pull it together. I know your brother died, but really... I also think they should have kill Harry right away. Fuck that guy.

The Babadook (2014)

The Babadook a film written and directed by Jennifer Kent and Stars Essis Davis and Noah Wiseman. I must have been super high when I watched it because all my friends told me to check it out and that I would love it. I didn't get it I guess. Right from the get go I wanted to stab that fucking kid in the mouth, he was so fucking annoying. This single mom is dealing with kid who believes in this boogie man "The Babadook" a story she reads to him at night before he goes to bed and She just keeps reading him the story every night, and some how that's a good idea. Her husbands death is in there too, so she is dealing with that too and I guess somewhere I got lost. She gets spooked about the Babadook, she goes crazy and so on. It seemed creepy and weird, but I just didn't get some of it.  I'll probably watch it again and maybe I'll have a better view on it.

CG Williams

The Dyatlov Pass Incident (2013)

Ok, I am really into the real incident that inspired this movie, I would do some research on it a little bit before you watch the movie. I think you'll appreciate more. The movie is your basic documentary horror style that a lot of people have been doing lately. This wants to do a college paper on the death of a group of hikers in the Russian mountains in 1959. They were found dead and all fucked up, like mutated and shit. It's creepy as fuck. So this group of college kids plan to go to Russia and figure out what really happened to them, and as in any good horror movie they get there things are going smooth the first day and the shit starts getting fucked up.

It's not really a gory movie, but the story and the history of Dyatlov Pass really make it interesting. Although it is just another basic mocumentary horror movie I thought it was pretty good. The dialog was good, the acting was good, and the story was good. I'm not sure if there is a dvd of it? I found it on Youtube, but check it out. 

American Mary (2012)

America Mary is Written and Directed by Jen Soska and Sylvia Soska, and stars Katharine Isabelle from Insomnia and Freddy vs Jason. Katharine plays med student Mary Mason who seem to be broke and in need of some cash, and find that cash in a underworld of body modification. It's very intense and very gory. I love it. This chick ends up being invited to  a surgeon party hosted by fellow professors at her school. I think they think she is prostituting herself to pay for med school or something, but she ends up getting drugged and rape by one of her professors. Now it's time to fuck shit up! She fucks his life up good and eventually ends up cutting the fuck out everybody. She meets a lot of weird people in the modification world, but you'll have check it out. I don't to give it all away.

If you like the blood and gore, or just plan creepy shit, you'll love this. I love mostly because the women in the story doesn't play the victim, she plays the destroyer and she does it very well. I know it's a newer movie and I rarely review newer movies, but the story itself is very good and original so check it out if you get a chance. 

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Today I watched "Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies". I kind of got a kick out of it. The FX were bad, the mustaches looked fake, the dialog had its ups and downs. Maybe that's what they were going for. . It had a lot of gore and blood, and you know I love that shit. I have to say the death scenes were pretty damn good. I thought end was really cheesy but hey whatever... check it out

I've been lazy

I haven't wrote anything in so long, but I have been getting blazed and watching a lot of movies still.  "Bloody Birthday", "Noobz", "MST3000 : Gamera", "DIE", "Hidden", "The Possession of David O'Reilly" ,and "The Amityville Haunting" All in all not too bad. I really liked DIE, it was a rip off of the SAW films but it was good.
Omen3, The Caller, Grave Encounters, Fear Island, Scream3, Fear Me Not, The Telling ( I made it 15 minutes in and had to shut it off), The Shrine, Absentia ( I feel asleep ), and Exorcismus ( I shut it off after 20 minutes ).
This is just a small list of all the shit I've watched lately.

 

Ghost Game (2004)

Ghost Game- Directed by Joe Knee and starring a bunch of people you don't know, well you might know cousin Ted. This movie is a basic cabin slaughter film. A group of college kids go off to woods for the weekend. What do you think is going to happen? They're all going to fucking die! So these kids are going to a cabin for the weekend to get away. It just so happens that years ago a group of witches had a sacrifice there and they all died. Now they haunt this cabin and make you play a game.

The acting isn't the worst I've ever seen, There are some funny parts(the ecstacy sex/death scene is pretty rad) and plot isn't too bad. But it still falls in the realm of " Shitty Movie". Check it out if you get a chance or if you're just plain bored and don't want to shoot yourself in head.

News

I've been busy lately with my job and my new band so I haven't had time to get to my love of writing about shitty horror movies. I pick up a whole bunch of random horror and gore to watch. Here's what I picked up. Night Shadow, My sweet Killer, 2:13, Dark Woods, Texas Chainsaw Massacre2 (gruesome edition), The Killer Inside Me, and many more.... So I'll get my shit together here and put something up soon.

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Smoke a fatty and get into this film directed by Amy Jones(Mystic pizza,The Relic, the Beethoven movies, and Indecent Proposal) and starring Michele Michaels and Robin Stille. Slumber Party Massacre is your basic " girls left at home/escaped killer" movie. There's lots of boobs, bad acting, and lots of blood (things that make a great gore film) right from the get go in this early 80's horror classic.

Trish is having a party and everyone is dying. Trish's parents are gone, there's a weird neighbor keeping an eye on things while they're gone and she has invited some friends over for a little party with some weed and beers. It just wouldn't be a slumber party without some guys trying to sneak in. The girls' boyfriends are playing pranks, trying to scare them. ( your regular slasher plot) Soon enough they start dying one by one. The escaped mental patient is on the loose.

The killer in this film used a big fucking power drill, it's great. It makes all the kill scenes really gory and I love it. So if you're into lots of blood and guts, check out this horror classic and you won't be disappointed.

Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)

Bloody Pit of Horror starring Mickey Hargitay from "The Love of Hercules" and "Promises!Promises!" with Jane Mansfield. This movie starts out in the mid evil times with an executioner getting executed for his crimes of torture. They put him in some sort of iron maiden with a glass window, he has been sentenced to death by his own torture device. He curses them all and swears revenge and they shut the door and seal it. There is not a lot of blood but its a good start.

We then fast forward to the 60's. A group of photographers from a book sleeve company or some shit, drive to an old castle for a photo shoot. They think the castle is abandoned but there is some weirdo that lives their with some big muscled guy wearing a tight sailor shirt (kind of homo erotic but subtle). He kicks all of them out of the castle but then he agrees to let the crew stay the night after there long drive, they are told not to go into the dungeons and of course they do like a bunch of dumbasses. The group sets up to do there photo shoot and they find a brunch of mid evil gear and they start fucking around and they break the seal on the executioners tomb. The executioner is back and bodies start piling up.

This movie is pretty good. Its has a very playful S&M feel to it and I was surprise to see this in a 1965 film. Maybe I'm just really high but there is some funny acting in it, but then again I find subtle funny things in everything. The kill scenes and traps/torture devices are all pretty cheesy, and there is some blood which is good. If you get a chance check it out, I found the film on some horror comp call "15 films: Horror"

 GORE- 3 stars
Boobs- 0 (but there is some camel toe)

Halloween Night(2006)

This movie creep as fuck, right from the get go. It starts with this kid watching his mother get rape and killed, she gets her head blown off and it's gory as fuck. So this kid tries to escape and ends up getting burned by steam. It then cuts to 10 years later and he is in an asylum all burnt to shit and creepy looking. He kills two guards and escapes to seek revenge( I assume).

The movie then leads into your basic college kids Halloween party at the "scary house" out of town. David plans to scare all his friends with some Halloween pranks and that all goes to shit and a blood bath ensues as this burnt asylum nut job murders them all.

Check out this flick if you love gore, blood, and boobs. It's great I loved it, director Mark Atkins has got his shit together when it come Horror and Gore.

Halloween Night (2006 )

BOOBS-12

GORE- 5 stars!

Apirl Fools Day (1986)

"April Fools Day" a cheesy 80's horror classic. A weekend of friends on an Island get away and some April fools day pranks. I mean you know it's a good movie when the guy who played Biff Tanner in the "Back to the Future" movies is the star, I also recognize a few of the cast from some other B-film classics.
Everybody is invited to Muffys' house in the woods for the weekend and one by one they all start dying. The plot definitely isn't original but there are some plot twist that are pretty good. The acting and the dialog aren't the worst I've ever seen but it's still your basic cabin weekend slasher film. This also might the only movie I've seen were a guy gets murdered buy getting his dick cut off, so that's new.
You are not missing much if don't see this one, it's not really gory, no boobs,and the kills are pretty weak.

April Fools Day (1986)


Gore- 2 stars
Boobs- 0

Zombie Dearest (2009)

This movie can not be taking seriously. Zombie Dearest by David Kemker had to be written as a comedy, it comes off like one but wrapped around a zombie flick. David play a guy named Gus who fucked up his relationship with his girlfriend Deborah ,she leaves him and moves to farm house. And guess what? Gus follows her. Right away Deborah has a weird flash back to a woman and man burying a body shortly after Gus show up and swears he will do anything to win her back. They make some agreement where he fixes up the house and she takes him back.

Here is where I think its becomes a comedy, the dialog is hilarious and the story gets fucked up. After a fight with an insensitive plummer who makes fun of retards Gus is left to fix the septic tank out back. Gus ends up digging up a zombie and instead of running for the fucking hills, he puts the zombie to work. I mean what the fuck, where is this story going?

If you like funny, fucked up horror flicks with bad dialog and weird plot twist( I guess you can call them that ) check out ZOMBIE DEAREST. You'll get a laugh at least I did.


Zombie Dearest (2009) ***

GORE- 1 star
Boobs - 0

Terrified (1963 )

Terrified is a black and white picture a psychological thriller more than a gore film almost like "Saw" without all the blood and guts, but its on a gore box set I bought. So I figured I should check it out. The movie starts out in some run down old west city or something and a kid getting buried alive by a masked man. It cuts in with a couple driving peacefully down the road and this lunatic is out trying to run people off the road or play mad games of chicken with unwilling participants.You can only imagine it's the same guy in the mask. I guess it's a good start. The couple pulls into this diner and they are in an up roar over the "near miss". They are introduced to the owner Wesley Blake and he has heard of these car incidents all night. One of these unwilling participants is Ken Lewis who just popped into the diner and he just happens to be writing a mid-term paper on human fear and what better way to research than to hang out in a run down town with a lunatic running around killing people. The whole movie kind of plays off your basic fears the dark, spiders, being lock in a room, drowning and such. I really like it, it must of kept the budget down on film.

I can't say its a really bad movie the acting isn't that bad, the filming is pretty good, and the story line is pretty good too for the time this movie came out. So if you get a chance check it out, it's a classic. You can probably only find it on random horror and gore box sets like the one I got (Gore House Greats)

Terrified (1963) ***
BOOBS - 0
GORE - 4 stars

976-EVIL 2 (1992)

976- EVIL 2 has a great beginning boobs and blood right off the get go. This chick is swimming late one night at school or at least I imagine it's at school. She is showering after she get done swimming and this creepy old guy (Mr.Grubeck) chases her threw the halls and I really want to know why every door is lock at this school. She is obviously there swimming you would think a door would be open so you could leave, well either way she ends up getting impaled and the blood splatter is great! There's a killer in Slate River and Spike is going to find him. Spike is a bad ass biker from the first 976-EVIL. So basically you call this horoscope number and you get what you think is powers and the help of yours truly Satan. Robin is the other main character and right away she is having visions of the first killing.

Mr. Grubeck get arrested for the killing and you think " damn that was fast, movies over." He some how uses his power to leave his body, escape from jail, and continue his killing spree as a ghost. Spike hooks up with Robin and they are off to figure out how to stop this creepy fuck.
The acting isn't that bad but the special FX are pretty cheesy, I guess for 1992 what can you ask for right. So this is a pretty shitty horror movie I wish there was more blood and guts, it had a really good start but it's not the worst I ever seen. Oh yeah and Brigitte Nielson makes appearance.

976-EVIL 2 (1992) **
GORE- 2 stars
BOOBS- 1